bitter sweet

today i am packing up all my breastfeeding supplies. i successfully breastfed for almost 11 months and had planned to go longer, but haley had other plans. the morning of january 22nd was the last time she nursed. i had no idea that would be our last time breastfeeding. had i known, i may have paid more attention to the moment. on the other hand, maybe im glad i didn't know, maybe it would have made it harder. i tried to feed her that evening and she wanted nothing to do with it, was biting, hitting, and screaming at me. i thought, fine, maybe just a nursing strike. she will be back to normal tomorrow. i kept offering and she kept refusing. i decided to pump for several days and keep offering. after a week of offering and pumping i said enough is enough, she has decided she is done.

haley is really starting to develop a sense of Independence especially with feeding. she rarely lets me spoon feed her anymore, doesnt like for you to hold her bottles. shes a big girl, she wants to do it herself!!!

its been 4 days since ive pumped, so i thought its time to pack up that damn contraption.....that ball and chain!!!!! i thought i would be excited about the end of breastfeeding. it was torture for me in the beginning. i hated it, couldnt wait for it to be over. the cracked nipples, the feeling bound to either the baby or a pump, the engorgement, the leaking, the worrying over what i ate or drank. as time went on, it got easier, less painful, and part of my everyday life. now there is a huge chunk of my life missing, it was part of my identity. now, dont get me wrong, i never planned to be one of "those moms" that breast fed a 3 year old, i just planned to do it for a few more months. i thought it would be my decision to stop, not haley's.

i will miss it, i do miss it. it was something only i could do for her. and having bigger boobs was also a nice perk to breastfeeding. :) it is nice not to have to worry about finding a spot to discretely breastfed (although i was becoming pretty good and nursing in public!) and not having to take my pump with me if i were away from her for more than 12 hours, and getting to wear normal and sexy bras again. there is a new sense of freedom.

i look back now and wish that i had at least one picture of haley while she was nursing. i always hated those pictures, thought they were creepy. but now i wish i had captured that moment in time, just for me to look at and remember what it was like. oh well, should-a could-a would-a!!!

i think if there is a next baby, i will enjoy it more. i wont have to go through that learning process, i will be a seasoned breast feeder. it may be a struggle for the next little one, but it wont be as much of a struggle for me. i know what to expect and how to do things.

anyway, i just wanted to write a little about this, to help me remember and help me move on. this is nothing like i expected to be feeling. i am happy that i was able to provide for haley as long as i was able to, i am sad to see it go, but im also excited to see her grow up!!!!